Finding Me
by choirgeek
Summary: The short journal entries of a confused Hermione Granger. Her feelings are conflicted and the only way she knows how to sort them out is to write them down. Will she be able to figure it all out before it is too late? Slight DH spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters. I also do not own the quote at the beginning of the chapter.**

**AN: This story will feature short journal entries in which Hermione is trying to sort out not only what is going on in her head, but in her heart. The beginning of each entry will have a quote which Hermione will reference during her entry. Please read and review! Enjoy!**

_Never bend you head! Always hold it high! Look the world straight in the eye!_

_-Helen Keller_

March 23rd, 1 year AH (After Hogwarts)

A few years ago, I gave part of myself up. A part I'm not sure if I can ever get back. For you see, the part of me I gave up was the deepest part of my heart. I gave it to someone who doesn't have the slightest idea how I used to feel about him. I never told him that I, Hermione Granger was in love with one of my best friends: Harry Potter.

I was going to tell Harry how I felt, but I never did, for someone else came into the picture: Ginny Weasley. And Ginny felt the same way about Harry and she came to me for answers and someone to confide in. Selfishly, I told her to move on. I told her that she shouldn't spend her life waiting for someone who might never return her feelings. And she listened. Finally I was going to tell Harry how I felt.

But then Cho Chang came along. And Harry liked Cho. How could I not be there for him and support his choice? He obviously wanted to be with Cho and so I let him. When that fell apart, I was half-tempted to tell Harry; but I didn't.

I didn't tell him because I had tried to make myself move on, just as I had advised Ginny to do. And it was working too; I started to have feelings for my other best friend: Ron Weasley. Just feelings, never love but for that time, it was enough.

Then during our sixth year, Harry realized he liked Ginny and it ripped my heart out. Sure I had set my head and part of my heart on Ron, but the deepest, most sacred part of my heart still belonged to Harry. The sight of the two of them made me feel sick. The sight of Ron and Lavender made me feel sick as well. Both of my best friends, the two boys that I was certain I would be spending the rest of my life with one of them, they had someone and I had no one.

Through all of this, I struggled to persevere. It wasn't easy in the slightest, but I made it. There were times where I wanted to curl up in a ball in the middle of the Common Room and cry, but I didn't. Instead, I threw myself into my studies. Studying was the one activity I could find solace in. And I subconsciously started to push them both away. But I wasn't defeated by their relationships. Internally, I may have been hurt, but I was still able to "look the world in the eye!" as Helen Keller advised us all to do.

During what would have been our seventh year at Hogwarts if we had stayed, I began a deeper relationship with Ron. Even though Harry had broken up with Ginny, I still couldn't go to him. Besides, what I felt for Ron was now more than I had felt for him before. He was someone who complain as he may, appreciated me for who I was (deep down even if he didn't always show it). I felt safe with Ron, even when he was being a prat and I was mad at him. He was still my anchor. And I wasn't about to let go.

Today, I am still with Ron and Harry and Ginny have renewed their relationship. My connection with Ron is the strongest it has ever been, so why, as we are finally becoming a true couple and are about to move in together do I suddenly find myself thinking of the love I felt for Harry that once consumed me?

I have held my head high for so long, how can I suddenly be ready to bend in down?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the opening quote.**

**AN: I know this chapter is a bit shorter than the last one, but I just felt like each chapter should address one issue and I couldn't think of more to say on this one. I should probably mention that this story is likely(thought not certain) to make large jumps in time. Therefore it would behoove the reader to check out the date which will always be accompanied by a date, # year AH (After Hogwarts). Anyway, hope you like this chapter. Enjoy!**

_Those who give cheerfully give twice—once to others, once to themselves._

_-Anonymous_

April 5th, 1 year AH

I did it. I moved in with Ron.

He asked me around Christmas time if I would want to. I told him we were too young, we were only eighteen after all. We still didn't know who we truly were. We still needed to finish our road of self-discovery.

Ron replied that he had found himself when he came back to me that cold winter night when he pulled the sword out of the lake last year. Surprisingly, he then said something very uncharacteristic for Ron Weasley. He said that he understood I still needed to find myself away from school and books. And he said he would wait.

I never thought I could get so lucky as to have a boy say he will wait for me. I always figured I would be the one waiting for someone. But Ron said he loved me enough to wait for me to be ready. I was so stunned at the time that I told him I needed to think about it.

Now here I am, a little over three months later and I officially moved in today. I gave up my independence with all the cheerfulness I could muster. I guess that's not the right way to put it. I want this too. I want to be able to come home every night to someone who loves me for who I am, someone who will respect my wishes and privacy. It's not as if I am forcing myself to do this.

Ron was even cute about it. He "hired" Harry to come over for the day and help move my stuff in. Basically I sat on the couch while they levitated my belongings up three flights of stairs. It was an all wizarding apartment complex so we didn't have to worry about being discreet.

When Harry gave me a last congratulatory hug before leaving, I didn't feel anything except excitement about starting the next phase in my relationship with Ron. My thinking about my old love for Harry was just symbolic of me leaving that in the past for good now? Right?

I made this move for Ron and me. I was happy and cheerful about it. By doing so, I am giving to us both. I am making our lives happier. I am happy about this.

But if that's true, why did I get up after Ron fell asleep to write in my journal? I should probably magic this blank to all eyes but my own…I know Ron wouldn't purposefully invade my privacy but still. It couldn't hurt, right?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or the opening quote.**

**AN: So here's the next chapter. It jumps ahead by over a year, but that's how this story is going to be. I probably won't be updating as much as I am now, but since I have the time, I'm writing. Anyway, I hope you like the chapter, PLEASE review! Enjoy!**

_A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you._

_-Adlai E. Stevenson_

August 13th, 2 years AH

It has been a year since Ginny broke up with Harry. I still have no idea why. All she would say is that she loved Harry but needed something different. So she dragged me on a vacation last year right after she had broken up with him.

And that's how I met Caitlin Riley. Ginny and I were in the United States when we met a girl like us. That is to say, she's a witch. She went to some small magic school which she refuses to name and was bored with her life so she moved back with us. And that's how I ended up with Caitlin Riley in the apartment across the hall from mine.

Caitlin is gorgeous, there is no denying that. She has soft blue eyes and golden hair that falls in perfect ringlets around her face. Her smile lights up a room and she turns heads everywhere she goes.

Ginny isn't the fondest of Caitlin. I don't know why. Even though Caitlin is the female perfection we all aspire to be, she has a heart of gold and a sharp mind. She is the kindest person I have ever met without coming off as sickly sweet or naïve.

And so Caitlin has lived across the hall for a year. She has become part of our circle and when we have intimate gatherings, it is her, Harry, Ron and me who get together and we are occasionally joined by Ginny.

Ginny broke Harry's heart. He was devastated after they broke up. For the first week (the week that Ginny and I were away) Ron would come over and Harry would either yell and scream or give him the silent treatment. Ron couldn't understand where the hostility was coming from. I could, for I got the same treatment when I returned.

Ron was Ginny's sister which made it awkward for Harry. I went on vacation with Ginny, which seemed like a betrayal to my friendship with Harry. Then there was the fact that Ron and I were still together, still a happy couple. Harry resented the fact that the two of us moved in together when he and Ginny couldn't. For starters, Ginny was still at school but then she "went in a different direction."

Eventually Harry realized that it was in no way Ron or my fault and he started to come over for dinner again. And that's when he met Caitlin.

Caitlin, like I said, is a beauty. She has a natural grace about her that makes her irresistible. Whether it is a guy wanting to date her or a girl wanting to be her friend, Caitlin is sought after.

When Harry first met her, he was still in his funk about Ginny, but that didn't stop him from noticing Caitlin. They became fast friends and the four of us spent many evenings together, laughing, trying spells and we (the girls that is) had fun watching the boys play wizard chess and witness Harry losing every single time. Essentially, life couldn't have been better. We were all getting along. Our jobs at the ministry were going great. And so a year passed.

However, today something happened which will change all of our lives forever. About a week ago, Caitlin told me that she was starting to have feelings for Harry. I didn't know what to say and made up an excuse about having to go to the store. Ever since then I have tried to avoid being alone with her. Then today at dinner Caitlin had to go and tell Harry how she felt. And he, shocked, said that he had felt the same way for a while now.

And so Harry was dating one of my friends. Again. Caitlin had become more than a beauty. She became a charmer. Harry had noticed her as a beauty and she had noticed him as a charmer.

The weirdest part about the two of them getting together is the fact that I have no idea how I feel about it. I'm happy that Harry has finally moved on. But I hate the fact that it was with Cailtin.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the opening quote.**

**AN: Here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it! I like writing this story, but would really appreciate more feedback on it. Even if you don't like the story, let me know (although I would appreciate good reviews more!). As much as I like this story, I don't know if I will continue it without more reviews. If you like the story, review! Even one more review will keep me going! So please...REVIEW!! Enjoy!**

_False notes at a concert are only human. Why does everything have to be perfect?_

_-Vladimir Horowitz_

December 22nd, 2 years AH

It is nearing Christmas time and things could not be more frenzied or abnormal.

Ron and I are going through a rough patch. I swear sometimes that boy is such a prat! I can't believe some of the things he does. Like yesterday, he asked me what I want for Christmas. Honesty, on the 21st he still doesn't have a present! When I told him I didn't have anything in particular in mind, he knew I was lying. I want him to make the commitment and I want my present under the tree to be a nice velvet box…

I want the safety that comes with being with one person for the rest of your life. But Ron isn't ready for that. Every time we pass a jewelry store in Diagon Alley Ron hurriedly tries to direct my attention to anything else in viewing distance.

Ron is frustrated with me too. I have been spending a lot of time at the Ministry lately. He wants me to be home more often. Honestly, it's not my fault that I'm needed at work. My job is to figure out counter curses for the new curses that have been created. There is a new group of dark wizards, nowhere near as prominent or powerful as the Death Eaters were, but they are still causing trouble. It's not my fault that I have uncovered more counter curses than the rest of my department put together. Honestly, I don't see why he should be mad. It is because of my work that his brother Charlie is able to use his hands again.

When I am home, it seems that I can't do anything to Ron's standards. The dishes aren't put in the right cabinet or I leave a book on the table. Honestly, he is driving me insane! Just because I am book smart does not mean that I will be perfect. Just like false notes at a concert are normal, mistakes and imperfections are normal too!

To make matters worse, our personal problems have spilled out into other aspects of our lives. The angrier he gets at me for staying late at work, the later I stay because I don't want to be home to deal with him.

When we have Harry over for dinner, Ron uses the occasion as an excuse to ignore me and he plays any kind of game he can with Harry. It's as if Harry's attention has become a prize. He feels that he wins if he can take Harry away. When this happens, I say goodbye to Harry and leave. I know I am giving Ron satisfaction but I don't care. It is better than staying and having Harry shoot me glances over the top of Ron's head.

I can't believe Ron's audacity of putting Harry in the middle of it all. When I am home, I bring this up to him and he yells that I am just jealous because Harry has always liked him more. Ron didn't have much growing up, so he feels now that he is an Auror and his name is known by practically all, he should have what he used to lack.

He has the job he wants, he has the best friend he wants, he has the independence from his parents that he wants. Why can't I be enough for him the way I am? Why does he feel the need to change me?

I want Ron to want me. I guess that is why I am so eager to see a velvet box beneath the tree. I wan to be enough. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved for my imperfections. I guess it's not that I want to marry Ron at all, it's just that I want to be accepted for who I am, false notes and all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the opening quote.**

**AN: Sorry for such a long wait. I have no good excuses. Hopefully by updating now, I can reach a new fanbase because quite frankly, I didn't have much of one before...(no offense to my previous readers, I still love you guys for your support!!) Anyway, please review and let me know if it is worth continuing. Enjoy!**

_Do what you judge to be beautiful and honest, though you acquire no glory from it._

_-Pythagoras_

February 13th, 3 years AH

And so Christmas has come and gone. No velvet box for me. Instead, Ron got me a wand cleaning kit. It was thoughtful because coming up with Counter Curses can be quite messy, but it is not something you get your girlfriend of almost three years. I, on the other hand, got him tickets to five Quidditch games. Life can be so unfair.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, a day that I should be happy and in love. However, I most likely will not be. All because of my big fat mouth.

Harry came over today and asked my advice on something. He wanted to know if I thought Caitlin would say yes if he proposed. I know my heart stood still and I held my breath as I thought about what I should say. I knew Caitlin would say yes, how could she not, it is Harry Potter. But I also knew that Caitlin wouldn't make Harry happy years down the road. She's to self-centered, although she hides it well.

I held my breath for so long that I stupidly passed out. I came to with Harry's worried face hovering inches above mine. It took all of my will power not to find out how good those lips felt after years of fantasizing about them…

I took control of my hormones, which had been raging like a teenager's, and sat up. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, I then turned to Harry and gave him my honest answer. I told him that I didn't think Caitlin was the one for him and that I thought she was a glory chaser.

Why, oh why was I so stupid? Harry blew up and stormed out of the apartment leaving me alone to cry.

Ron came home to find me curled up on the couch, rocking myself back and forth as I cried. He rushed over to try and comfort me, but it was no use; I was inconsolable.

I just lay on the couch all night like some girl who had just broken up with her first boyfriend. Finally Ron said he was going to bed and reminded me to dress up tomorrow. Apparently he made dinner reservations for the four of us. That's right: four of us; Ron, me, Caitlin…and Harry.

He probably hates me right now. I know I hate myself for following Pythagoras's imbecilic quote. I don't care if I receive glory from something or not; I just don't want to lose my one true friend…


End file.
